Seven Highly Irritating Habits - The Workplace Code

Well the long awaited sequel to the Seven Steps to better Irritating Habits is finally here! And this time we take on the nasty corporate world. Now having been part of that mud slinging world I know what it feels like to be at a workplace. I mean no matter how much fun it is to be there, we do get our occasional party poopers and nerds who get on our nerves. Like my friend Shanx who always says Thanx.

So this guide is to add that zing back in your work life and irritate the hell out of others for some really sadistic pleasure. Presenting the Highly Irritating Habits of Successful Workplace ROFLINs.

Successful Roflins Always Bang Their Desks

For best results practice it on other people’s desks before really throwing it on yours. And shout. Yea, shouting always helps. Shout about the email not loading fast enough. Call up a pizza place and shout how lousy their pizza is.. bang the desk again. And then shout how you have hurt your hand banging the desk and then bang it again for hurting you and then howl in pain for banging so hard. You get the picture. I can see you are already irritated… way to go bangboy!

We Send a lot of Emails

Send an email every 15 minutes to your team on what makes your life so interesting and better than them. One of our resident experts even writes about those deep thoughts in life like how a plastic sole is better than rubber sole during monsoons. Tell them about the fight you had with the autorikshaw guy. Tell them about how you think they sneak in to your dabba and you suspect one of them a little too much.

We Carry That All Knowing Smirk

See an office always has its patron saints of secrets. The ones that everyone else confides in about their sins. Now even though our saints are the honest lot and their silence can never be breached, our sinner friends are of the belief that their secret is running in the open like an overflowing tank. Now you may not know their secret, but you know they have one. Let that wry smile out, look at them often but don’t say anything.. give a nod to the head sometimes.. and they are going to freak out. Muahahaha.. I like this one!

Irritating Roflins Always Pick a Fight

Go around your lobby and scan for your next victim. Go push him, hold him in an elbow lock. If he is carrying a bag go pull it from him or her for that matter depending on the size of your balls. Give ten taplis to the one sitting next to you randomly. Yours truly has been a victim and the aggressor in this play quite often, nothing frustrates more than this I think.

The Best Roflin Never Listens

When someone comes to tell you something, face the other way. Act and I mean “act” (like it has to be evident that you are acting) as if you are busy. They will call your name, shout and everything but do not budge, pretend you are not hearing anything.. and right when they are about to go turn up and say.. “arre Roma, when did you come? ”

Classic reactions are expected!

Roflins Conk off Other’s PCs

See for this to work you need to work in a good office, where everyone thinks you are an angel. So go and accidentally oh wait I mean ‘accidentally’ spill coffee on someone’s keyboard, pull the plug by accidentally stripping on the wires hidden somewhere. Or the perennial favourite of my family, hide the frikkin projector just before a presentation!

The Drinking Water Regime

Careful observation of this practice has revealed that it is potentially detrimental to chances of scoring with chicks, but that’s fine.. our mission is irritation and that we shall get!

Get up every 15 20 minutes to go drink water from the cooler. On the way work you way round the whole set of cubicles saying hi to everyone and letting everyone know that you’re going to get water. Ont he way back pat everyone on the back saying that you got the water. Take a sip in front of everyone and then stare at their screen. You can even spill some water for added effect. Offer water to half the people when they are furiously typing something on the PC. And move on before they say something to you. The best effect is seen when you do it 10 times a day for 6 times a week for 3 weeks. Yes.

And there we finish our lesson in irritatability … what my boss calls the highly effective ways to get fired.

Image courtesy - Rocket Ship

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